Stop Working for It: Why Love Cannot Be Earned

In the secular world, the rule is simple: You get what you pay for.

• You study hard, you earn the degree.

• You work overtime, you earn the promotion.

• You hit the gym, you earn the body.

We are trained from childhood that reward is the result of effort. This is called a Transactional Mindset. While this works for your career, it is absolute poison for your heart.

The problem arises when we bring this "wage mentality" into our relationships. We treat love like a salary we have to earn, rather than a gift we are supposed to receive. We think: "If I cook enough meals, if I lose ten pounds, if I pray enough, if I am the perfect Christian... then I will finally be 'worth' loving."

But in the Kingdom, love that is earned is not love—it is a wage. And a wage can be lost the moment you stop working.

1. The Biblical Case Study: Leah’s Hustle

There is no sadder example of "performing for love" in Scripture than the story of Leah in Genesis 29.

Leah was the unloved wife. Jacob loved Rachel, but he was tricked into marrying Leah. She knew she wasn't chosen. So, she spent her entire marriage trying to earn her husband’s heart through performance.

Look at the names she gave her children:

• Reuben: "Surely the LORD has looked upon my affliction. Now therefore, my husband will love me." (Gen 29:32)

• Simeon: "Because the LORD has heard that I am unloved..." (Gen 29:33)

• Levi: "Now this time my husband will become attached to me, because I have borne him three sons." (Gen 29:34)

Do you hear the desperation? "I gave him a son. Does he love me yet?" "I gave him another one. Am I enough yet?"

Leah thought her production (children) would purchase her husband’s affection. But it didn't work. She lived in a cycle of striving and disappointment because she was trying to buy something that can only be freely given.

2. The Orphan Spirit vs. The Spirit of Adoption

The belief that you must "work for love" comes from what theologians call an Orphan Spirit. An orphan has no inheritance, so they must hustle for every scrap of food. They believe, "If I don't provide for myself, I will starve."

Many singles approach dating with this spirit. They over-function. They become the "perfect" girlfriend or boyfriend, doing wifely duties for a boyfriend just to prove they are "marriage material."

But Paul corrects this in Romans 8:15:

"For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, 'Abba, Father.'"

A son or daughter does not have to pay rent to live in their father’s house. They don't have to audit the family books to eat dinner. They rest in their belonging. If you don't learn to rest in God’s love while you are single, you will exhaust yourself trying to earn your spouse’s love when you are married.

3. Employment vs. Covenant

If you have to perform to keep someone’s attention, you are not in a relationship—you are in employment.

• Employment: "I pay you as long as you perform. If you stop working, I stop paying."

• Covenant: "I choose you. On your good days and your bad days, I am committed to you."

If you build a relationship on performance (e.g., "He loves me because I'm fit/rich/helpful"), you create a prison for yourself. You will live in constant fear of "getting fired" the moment you get sick, gain weight, or lose your job.

Romans 5:8 gives us the blueprint for Covenant Love:

"But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

Notice the timing. Jesus didn't wait for us to clean up our act. He didn't wait for us to be "worth it." He died for us while we were at our worst. That is the only kind of love that can sustain a marriage.

4. Breaking the Addiction to Validation

Singleness is the detox period. This is the time to break the addiction to human validation.

If you enter marriage feeling like an empty cup, demanding that your spouse fill you up every day, you will drain them dry. No human being is designed to be your source of worth. Only God can carry that weight.

The Challenge: Stop trying to be "chosen" and realize you have already been chosen. Stop striving like Leah. You don't need to birth a "son" (or a career, or a perfect body) to make God love you.

When you finally realize that you are worthy of love simply because you exist as God’s creation, you will stop begging for scraps of attention. You will stand tall. And ironically, that confidence is exactly what attracts a Kingdom Spouse who wants to give love, not buy it.

Real Kingdom love is a gift. You cannot earn it; you can only receive it.

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