Red Flags Christians Should Not Ignore: Part 1

"He goes to church" is not enough. Use this 360-degree Fruit Inspection guide to test their character against Love, Joy, and Peace before you commit.

KINGDOM DATING & COURTSHIP

4 min read

Three ceramic fruit-shaped planters on a blue background

We have all heard the checklist: "Does he go to church? Does she serve in the ministry?" While these are good starting points, they are not proof of character. Anyone can learn religious language. Anyone can put on a mask for a Sunday service.

But as Jesus said in Matthew 7:20 (NKJV): "Therefore by their fruits you will know them."

The first three months of dating are critical. This is the "discovery phase" where you need to inspect the fruit. In this first part of our series, we are looking at Love, Joy, and Peace—not as vague concepts, but as practical, 360-degree character tests.

1. Love (Agape): Transactional vs. Sacrificial

We are culturally conditioned to "Transactional Love"—I do for you, so you do for me. But biblical Agape is sacrificial. It gives without demanding a return. Here is how to test if their love is real:

To You (The Date): Watch what happens when you say "No." Transactional love respects you only when you are compliant. Agape loves you when you have boundaries. If you say, "I’m too tired to go out tonight," or "I’m not comfortable with that," do they withdraw their affection? If their kindness disappears the moment you stop pleasing them, it’s not love; it’s control.
To Their Loved Ones (Friends & Family): Are they a Consumer or a Contributor? Don't just look at whether they "get along" with their friends. Look at their role. Are they the person who shows up early to help set up the chairs for the baby shower? Or do they just show up for the food and leave? Agape serves its community.
To The Stranger: The "Invisible Person" Test. Forget the waiter example. Watch how they treat the people who hold no power and offer no service. The security guard at the gate. The janitor mopping the floor. The elderly person moving slowly in the grocery aisle. Do they acknowledge these people with dignity, or do they look right through them? If they ignore the "invisible" people, they have a heart problem.
To Themselves: Do they steward their own temple? Self-love isn't narcissism; it's stewardship. Does this person respect their own body and mind? A person who chronically deprives themselves of sleep, eats destructively, or refuses to rest is not showing Agape to the creation God made. If they can't care for their own temple, they won't care for yours.

2. Joy (Chara): Circumstantial vs. Abiding

Biblical Joy (Chara) is not just being a "happy person." It is a spiritual buoyancy that keeps you afloat when life gets heavy.

To You (The Date): The "Envy" Test. Watch their reaction when you win and they don't. If you get a promotion, a raise, or a blessing, do they celebrate you genuinely? Or do you sense a subtle coldness or competition? A partner without Joy will feel threatened by your light.
To Their Loved Ones: Are they an Energy Vampire? When they walk into a family gathering, does the atmosphere lift or get heavy? Some people use their "honesty" or "mood" to hold a room hostage. A person with the fruit of Joy brings a spirit of gratitude to their circle, even when things aren't perfect.
To The Stranger: The "Inconvenience" Test. How do they react to a traffic jam, a long line at the bank, or a crying baby on a bus? A person without Joy views strangers as obstacles to their happiness. They sigh, roll their eyes, and project anger. A person with Joy possesses patience for the general public.
To Themselves: Can they be alone? This is the deepest test. Can they sit in a room alone, without a phone, without music, without a distraction, and just be? A person who lacks internal Joy is terrified of silence. They need constant noise to drown out their inner world.

3. Peace (Eirene): Chaos vs. Calm

The Greek word Eirene implies oneness and rest. It is the opposite of confusion.

To You (The Date): How do they handle conflict? When you disagree, is their goal to win or to resolve? A person lacking Peace sees an argument as a war they must dominate. They will yell, stonewall, or manipulate until you surrender. A person of Peace seeks to de-escalate and restore connection.
To Their Loved Ones: Are they a Bridge or a wedge? In their family or friend group, are they the one stirring the pot? Do they gossip to pit people against each other? Or are they the peacemaker—the one who helps resolve tension between others?
To The Stranger: Reaction to Aggression. If someone cuts them off in traffic or is rude to them in public, do they escalate it to a fight? A person of Peace does not need to prove their dominance to a stranger. They have enough security in God to let a slight offense slide.
To Themselves: Can they sleep? This sounds practical, but it is often spiritual. Psalm 4:8 says, "I will both lie down in peace, and sleep." A person tormented by anxiety, guilt, or unforgiveness often struggles to rest. While medical insomnia is real, a chronic inability to turn the mind off can sometimes indicate a lack of spiritual peace.

The Challenge

Do not ignore these signs. You are hiring a partner for the most important team of your life. If they fail the 360-degree inspection now, do not expect them to pass it after the wedding.